99 percent satire, 1 percent truth

The Occupy Wall Street movement against big banks and corporations is pitting the 99 percent against the richest 1 percent and causing changes in the marketplace. The Advertising Analysis Organization of America has discovered the 99 percent slogan is improving sales of condoms and hand sanitizers, while laying off cows at dairy farms. “Any publicity is good publicity, except when it isn’t,” said the report.

Bollista, a manufacturer of condoms, is releasing a new brand of latex condoms in direct response to the protests. CEO ErikStatham said, “Our previous condoms had a success rate of 99.6 percent, but our marketing experts found that if we reduced that to an even 99 percent, we could tap into the ‘99 percent’ brand recognition created by the protesters and increase our total profits.”

Expect the new condoms to hit the shelves this January. The brand will feature the slogan “Because you are not the 1 percent.” Market surveys have been conducted in New York’s Zuccotti Park. “They’re great,” said Neal Collingwood, an Occupy protester. “For too long, 99 percent of my sperm has taken a back seat to the 1 percent that impregnates a woman.”

The condom industry isn’t alone in feeling the effects of Occupy Wall Street. When asked by a protester how he slept at night, one Wall Street banker replied on camera, “With a warm glass of 1 percent milk.” The YouTube video has since gone viral.

“Our sales of 1 percent milk have been cut in half since the whole thing started,” said John Breinder ofBreinder Dairy Farms. “The 99 percent wants nothing to do with anything related to the 1 percent.”

Occupy Wall Street has significantly impacted Breinder Dairy Farms, as well as other dairy companies. Rendwick Dairy & Processing recently laid off five of its veteran dairy cows. “We didn’t want to let them go, but the company had no choice given the rough economic times,” said Kurt Linneman, a spokesman for Rendwick. “Each of our cattle received a generous severance package, including stock options.”

Even college graduates are facing a new dilemma as they begin their job searches. “No longer are we looking to hire the top 1 percent of graduates,” said Catherine Schendt, of Xesis Management, a company that hired only the best of candidates before the Occupy movement began.

“You need to prove to us that you are part of that bottom 99 percent, or we simply aren’t interested,” said Schendt. “My advice for current students is to transfer to a less prestigious school, lower your GPA, shrink your network, and show up to your interviews in jeans and a T-shirt.”

Rather than target the 99 percent, some companies are choosing instead to direct their marketing efforts toward the 1 percent. Germiné, a new brand of hand sanitizer, is being designed for the elite 1 percent. “Bankers will buy it because it kills 99 percent of the germs on their hands,” said Joseph Mellio, a Wall Street banker. “Do you have any idea the number of germs found on the average $100 bill?”

At $4,200 a bottle, this brand of hand sanitizer is beyond the reach of the 99 percent. “We expect the typical 1 percent-er to use a bottle a day,” said CEO Alek Schwartzky.

 

 

Read the Ka Leo version here.

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